Movies

Bridget Jone’s Baby. Washed up plastic surgery androids. Dialogue, weak and unbelievable. I tried to get drunk, even smoked reef, I ended up overeating and I’m only into it 45 min. pain…

Source: Movies

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BEGIN AT THE BEGINNING

Day 8

Seven days ago I started on a journey.

From between “a rock and a hard place” with no in-between. I chose to venture into the “hard place”, searching through the “fog” for signs of life, through the wailing and the sobs and the abandoned hopes and hidden fears. Searching for ME.                                                I knew there was still a pulse there. I could hear it throbbing, drumming, drawing me to it like a spirit to the flame. It was MY Lifeforce.                                                                                       Vaguely familiar, it was the CHILD IN ME, a time when there was WONDER, GLEE, and BELIEF. The first four days were hell. I felt like my skin was being peeled off, strip by strip. RAW.      Nowhere to turn, no turning back, enough was enough, walking forward through it, self-soothing, self-propelling.  SOBER.                                                                                                         I ACCEPT THAT THIS IS A LIFE LONG COMMITMENT.                                                                       I ACCEPT MY SOBER AUTHENTIC SELF.                                                                                          Now what? A whole new world of what, an unpredictable, achievable, new place for me to stand with clear perspective, to fall with steadfast dignity, and rise again with trust in myself by the hand.

Two lives. SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,CRYING. IT’S NOTHING NEW, I HAVE ALWAYS FELT AS THOUGH I WAS SWIMMING UPSTREAM, A ROGUE IN A PREDICTABLE SOCIETY. MONEY AND THE BULLSHIT ATTACHED TO MONEY, THE WORKER ANTS FEEDING THE CORPORATIONS WITH TOIL , AND LACKING THE KEY INGREDIENT. Reverence. EARTH HAS AN EXPIRY DATE. HUMANS GET OLD. THE PLANET GETS OLD. The damage that has been done, started generations ago. It is too late. LOVING AND LIVING IS THE ONLY PATH.

I heard something in a movie, “a deliberate action is unforgivable” .. I even wanted to edit that, as I was writing it. Still making believe, and making excuses, for those whom have really hurt me. Like, “something deliberate is hard to forgive, but not unforgivable”….or disect it into,.. d.e.l.i.b.e.r.a.t.e., mean, want to hurt toward. As a deliberate act, ..I guess that is unforgivable.       In haste, anger reaction, yet not defined by “deliberate,” would be non intent.  Knowingly constructing a “punishment”, a deliberate attempt on that person’s demise, to purposely compromise situation in a negative way, mentally, physically, and/or both, could be defined as deliberate intent. So the low income, beaten down woman with no money, is going to wait for her futile attempt. Waiting for “legal aide”.It’s a hard road. It’s a beaten down road. I know these things. Who is going to lead the family. The abuser? YOUR family that ignores your feelings and needs, and steps in and pretends it’s ok?  Let’s take a look at the abuser. A person whom takes more time dwelling on their own insecure needs and ego, than facing the dark realities of their own reflection. Interesting about humans, NO MATTER HOW THEY TRY TO FOOL THEMSELVES, NO MATTER HOW THEY TRY TO SEDATE THEMSELVES,HIDE THEMSELVES, NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS ,AT TIMES, TO FACE THEMSELVES, THEY WILL STILL LOOK AT THEIR REFLECTION IN A MIRROR………I’m tired….to be continued……..you betta believe it.

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